I’m the TezSCAT Man!!! Skinny Little diddly do Bobbup Bo!

TezScatology, the Study of Excrement for Taxonomic Purposes

You’ll forgive me if I seem distracted. I pray the fur hits the fan faster than I can put pen to parchment. I’m running out of courier egrets. There I was minding my ruminations and daydreaming my own bidnass when the stark realization encountered my semi-prescient, semi-precious, Voltaire Bolt.

! zzzCCRAAAZACKkkkzzzz !

In a flash of lightning a kobold appeared along with Jidian this Guy. I had asked the Lawgiver for Rahu pleasures of the four-armed hooking whore variety. The gods, it would seem, are not without a sense of humor — even when the deck is stacked against them. Touche! Alright Osiris! I’ll see your kobold and I raise you a skirt! A dame skirt replete with short-shorts. But as the Lawgiver’s own digit thereby verily resides the verisimilitude of raising that skirt is akin to lofting my weighty shorts with a Horus crane. Isle-Wren gave his ring to the kobold and bid us adieu. He’d had enough of saving the world for one week in paradise. As it turned out he was just the lucky winner of a Sweepstakes Grand Prize Trip to Phloston Paradise!

The kobold introduced himself to us as Asher and he professed to have a message from Isis. Sigh, the gods work in mysterious ways. Sending messages through small, yapping dog-like creatures? There’s no accounting for taste. The wee pup had certainly aged a liver-spot or two past his bald-pated prime. A greasy comb-over and pale scars seemed like the next-best-addition to the CrIsis Palladium-Saving “B” Team. Asher was covered from his neck to his toes in black. Rather foreboding.

Jidian arrived and waited patiently for the torch-passing pleasantries to unravel themselves. Otto and I tag-teamed his shin and assaulted it with bear-hugs. Jidian then told us that Isis has sent him here to us to aid in killing the TezSCAT Fecalphelomancer. Odd! But who is CrIsis to look a Gift God in the mouth? I was ready to abandon ship and head straight-away to the Jungle but CrIsis members far wiser than me were on the prowl to lighten the monster’s load and coax from its ancient maw a haul of ill-begotten treasure. I yawned. It didn’t sit well with me to keep Rogtilda company when the evil Darksong and Abu were still at large on the island…along with an untold number of ancient wooly children. I resigned the Bismark to accompanying my companions and, at the very least, watching their backs so they may loot unmolested.

We entered the cave. It was really DARK — a perfect place for an ambush! I was ready the whole time. I didn’t mind burning through my potential psychic reserves. That sonofabitch had tried to kill me…TWICE! And he nearly did on one occasion! I wasn’t about to let that happen again. I attempted to sense our underground direction but was unsuccessful. Apparently the treasure would elude us until we cleverly determined how to locate and abscond with it. The same mystic drain that we saw on the boat AND I saw last time I hijacked the foot was afoot in multiple locations. I decided to stay at the cave entrance to watch their backs as I had no desire to tantalize the furry Clergy with countless avaricious horrors. Indaris and Jidian stood with me and we made small chatter while the rest of CrIsis ventured into the cave and almost died to some more mystic wards. Tranny and Otto quickly grew bored so we played a silent and invisible game of MAKE FUN OF THE PRIEST while Indaris was concentrating on not displeasing his goddess. It was really fun!

No sooner than the Priest’s prayers fell to the ground around his ankles did we encounter a Lord of Flies Tribe of 40 Hytril. Indaris tried to disarm them with gold but it only incited them into a FRENZY and they bum rush the vulnerable priest. Reasoning with them is futile. The small, impressionable, and dangerous beings are just intelligent enough to be governed but not befriended. They are incredibly selfish and brazen enough in numbers. They nearly ripped his arm off! That’s what ya get for trying to bribe a band of thieves! I summoned up a giant wall of air to rebuff any Hytril advances into the cave. Ja’Deir appears not a moment later and asked me if there were any other treasures that I remember seeing from the last time he was in the cave. Of course there were! I described for him the floor-to-ceiling treasure hoard that I had last noted and casually dismissed when I retrieved the Lawgiver’s Foot.

First of Algor happens. WOOHOO!!!! — we get a bunch of loot but who in the Gods has time to sift through it all and rifle and sort and categorize? Not me. I realize that I’ve completely sloughed any responsibility to partake in the loot for the last two years but I have had a small change of heart. I will graciously accept what is allotted me for the small part I play in acquiring said loot. However, I maintain that most of the monies will be donated to the Church and to Bennu — as usual — but what remains shall go into a college fund for Otto and a sex-change operation for Tranny. Oh! And anything leftover will go into the Phoenix Cream Dream Parlor (ltd) to be owned and operated by Madame Fenix and Sir Occo Haboob.

Oh yeah! Algor appeared while we were at Sinza and so did Kym-Nark-Mar, and when Minischmee became king — it’s the one-year anniversary.

We received a pigeon from Malkin about…something.
We took a boat to somewhere to get to the Yin Sloth Jungles and kill the Tezcat Necromancer.

The rest is a little fuzzy. Xerxes told us that he managed to get the book he had to talk to him. It might have taught him how to do some new magical things. Awesome! We had a fireside chat with the kobold who told us his parents were Set (not Tolmet, odd) worshipers and he told us that he escaped from his parents and he climbed out of an air-shaft in the underground kingdom he used to live in. Sounds like a rebellious teen! A safe-travels card was produced and played by Jidian This Guy and we went right straight almost to the maybe nearby Tezcat Necromancer. The driver dropped us off and we fought skeletons and then spent another 2 days traveling.

I had a private conversation with Tranny that went something like this, “Thank you, Love. Your contributions are always appreciated. You give so graciously of yourself to the cause of your elemental brother. Please know that it means the world to me and that they are not only appreciated but incredibly meaningful.”

We fought tooth and nail for all of 7 seconds before the scared little elfin Necro-bitch bounced with her amulet of “get-out-of-jail-free” Cynopolis card. It’s a good thing she did because we wouldn’t have been able to interrogate the smoking corpse…or the smoking gun.

Written by Tyvernos on…an unknown date, in the 69th year of the Wolfen Empire.

Picture by Jonas Jakobsson
Picture by Steevin Love
Picture by Zoemos
Picture by contorted4life
Picture by RuFoO
Picture by Alexandre Lobo

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *