Parasites and Prayer

To My Dearest Father

We are approaching crunch time, and by crunch time I mean verily spitting in the eye of evil, kickin him inna nuts and then pulling his undies up over his head.

I’m pretty sure this isn’t going to please him at all, and as the weakest link of CrIsis. I feel that I will be targeted by many of our enemies trying to destroy our morale and cohesion (I was paying attention in the War Council, well a bit, or at least the 10 or so words mentioned after my name) so I thought, what the hell, I might as well make this process useful and I won’t inconvenience any one of the gods and that seems to be sound tactical thinking, but I’m not a tactician so it’s anybody’s guess. I think however that every other member of CrIsis had a an Initially meeting with a god who had picked them out specifically bar I so I’m guessing I’m going to be the deal changer. I guess having a God pick you and empower you costs them, especially if you die, so my death effects would probably be shared over all. I certainly don’t feel lesser because of it, as the chances of it being a random pick are pretty small, so they think I can possibly pull my job off, but its going to leave less of an effect, which is what you meed in war.

We are having to deal with a bottom feeding, scum sucking algae eater (thanks Duke), that I sense is important to both sides plans, and I’m pretty sure he’s going to try and screw over everyone and make a dive at immortality, so I decided I might as well unbalance him a little by insulting him, thankfully Torrun was there and defused the situation that time, but I have a feeling that isn’t always going to be the case, but I feel him and I are going to have some sort of Mano-a-mano thing going. and if I stop him alls the better. Grignak was discussing things with him and Mangy Carl was trying to get him to say things that Grignak didn’t want to say, so I decided to step in and insult Fleabit scuzbag to try and distract him, and it seemed to work, Mr Verbal diarrhoea started splattering verbal crap all over me and totally forgot about Grignak hehe. Mr Imbecilic bonehead then left after chucking a tanty. I’ve seen 2 year olds chuck less of a spazz when they didn’t get the toy they wanted, but I guess this is what you get when you take too much of your product. On a personal note I would feel sorry for you but you dug your own grave, so don’t be surprised when someone puts you in it.

All in all I don’t think I’m going to see this one through Dad, so can you make sure my share is evenly distributed through the troupe, I could pull out I guess but that means there will be people left behind that could be hurt, and the gods themselves (I saw Osiris :o) chose me, so I can’t naysay them now just because things look dangerouser, but at least I can say I have seen some amazing things.

9th of Discord
I was standing at my favourite spot on the Shield of Light, just back and to the right of the prow, so very little water spray hit me. The water temperature is colder than ice in the eastern territories, and its invigorating to get some spray, but you don’t want to be over invigorated if you know what I mean. The lookout called land ho, and of course, the blot on the horizon was now forming into recognisable land, and now that I was looking there were many boats of different sizes going about their business. A light snow had started so I ducked down and grabbed a coat from my room and tried to ignore the cold coming out of Free Williesroom. That spectral eagle thingy certainly made a mess of the back of the ship, and headed into my room and grabbed my good clothes, got changed and went back upstairs. The smell of humanity crammed together, even in this large ship made me wish for the open field and byways of home. When I got back up on deck I noticed that Torrun also had got into more civilised clothes, but the others hadn’t bothered. I have figured out that Crisis mostly doesn’t give 2 hoots about what people think about them. As the Captain skillfully maneuver the ship up to dock, I realised that a Magic Pigeon had landed on Grignak and was giving him a message. The message surprised all hell out of me, it was the assassins guild proclaiming themselves the victor of Crisis, just like some schoolyard bullies that just beat up a second grader and made them cry, not only cry but apparently the second grader also had to agree that losing a battle was losing the war. I seriously thought this sort of thing would stop when I got out of grade school, but I am fully totally and hilariously in a I’m going to rip your eyes out way realising now that people just don’t grow up, and prefer to be drama queens, and I know drama queens and they would be proud of the assassins guilds actions.

OK Assassins, you’re cool, we’re the nerds, at least I know who to call if we need something small, blue and defenceless killed.

Well, at least that is out of the way now.
Oh yeah, I was wondering why the docks were big enough to accommodate us, and I found out why.
There were 2 freakin stone ships in port too, and we thought the Shield of Light was big, these things are more like portable bridges, and have more people in them than your normal village.
As we came to a stop I heard a band startup, and lo there at the end of the stony pier stood the King all asplendid, guards nearby gleamed in the light, with kids and adults alike, stopping an gawking at the spectacle. The band suddenly shook off the snow and started an energetic piece I didn’t recognise, but was very well played. The King had a smile on his face, he actually seemed to enjoy the weather here and held out his hands to catch snowflakes now and again.
Salt water had stopped the deck from icing over as we all walked to the gangplank and waved at the King and his people, and as soon as the sailors had thrown the thick rope to the dock and tied it off we start walking down to the dock. The water here is surprisingly clean and blue for a port city,I could actually see fish as most people throw their rubbish out on the outgoing tide, forgetting that the tide will bring it all back in again, but it really looked like the city ordinances were keeping the place clean. Crisis and a few Shield of Light members walk proudly up to the King, and he greeted Annie and Honeysuckle, which I found out late, were scions of a previous CrIis hero – Overkill. The king greeted them both with something florid and a bow, And then Honeysuckle replied with a

“I finally found a real man on my trip, but it’s great to see you”

My heart did a double dip and I started counting guards (lots), catapults (too many) and magic user types nearby (OMG we are going to die)

But King Minischmee just started laughing and said something along the lines of, well you did always have special needs, and then Honeysuckle and the King embraced and the King then shook Tiny’s hand.
My heart started again. King Minischmee turned and said something to the crowd, which was conglomerating slowly behind him, and they cheered loudly, and then the cheer redoubled when an Eagle flew down out of the air and landed on Ursus’s shoulder, apparently General Tinor had a message for him. The people seemed happy to see or be involved in something of CrIsis’s
We got Royally escorted to a big chamber with food being lain out, and reinforced chairs being swept off just before use. As we stared the first course, the kings eyes lit on each of us, and he asked about dream, and nearly chokes when told that Silent is now a goblin. The slight passes with even silent dream laughing at the kings mistake, however I noticed a funny look come over Ursus, and I think I had seen it once before and a single tear rolled down his cheek. I checked out what he was looking at and saw the Hot Chick Gnome talking to Willy, and I swear she got down on one knee before him, and he looked really surprised. I wish I could read lips, but whatever was going on it was upsetting poor old beary.
Then I get another surprise, Torrun, the original mr surly is marrying another Dwarf, who knew dwarves came in female as well, I thought they just popped up out of rocks, and then he told a joke. A real joke, I was there. I heard it with my own 2 ears, and also I’m a qualified one joke teller. His joke went like this

One year, I decided to buy my girlfriend’s mother a cemetery plot as a Horus Day gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..

and everyone, after a few moments started laughing, even King Minischmee, who then after the laughing had died down stood up and asked both Annie and Honeysuckle to step forward. King Minischmee then gives Annie and Honey both an Amulet with something ugly inscribed upon it, I couldn’t quite make it out, maybe it was upside down or something but they both seemed a little overwhelmed in getting it and then Honeysuckle started a speech about motivation, I sort of tuned out as it seemed to be one of those interminable motivational speeches, then as she finishes, Ursus, with all his etiquette and gentry skills asks the King about repairing armor, personally I’d use armour because armor has at least %15 of it missing, making it less effective.
Then another surprise, Her Most Gracious Self, The Queen Christine offers to help get the last bit in, as apparently she was a priestess serving the light at one stage, and between her determination, the kings willingness to help and I guess the reputation of Crisis will have us leaving on the morning tide tomorrow. We continued the feast with gusto, as the important stuff seemed to have been done, and it looks like Willy got the girl in the end. I went up to the battlements for a bit to look at the waters but the chill eventually drove me back inside. I went to bed and dreamed, but couldn’t remember them when I awoke the next morning.
The weather is pretty much the same the next day, but early morning sees us all up and ready to go, and we are being escorted by 2 titan stoneships. Those things are big enough to land and take off from, and are chock full of soldiers, so I’d want to have a good reason to attack one if I had to.
We stow our stuff and by the time that is down the SOL is making headway back into the northern sea, birds cawing and squawking. I noticed that it was getting louder so I went outside, and there on Torruns shoulder was a regal looking Eagle scolding Torrun, it really looked like it had some attitude going. I think it was a message from his sister? He doesn’t talk much about his family, or much at all really, but I guess that’s a dwarvish trait. Even though I see a few smirks when the bird finishes Torrun looks around and everyone immediately went back to what the were doing. It was hilarious, so I had to go to my room and laugh a bit. Other than that nothing else messed with us (3 stone titan ships probably had something to do with that, thank you Queen Christine).

The Queen and her retinue also came with us to the Pyramid, so nothing happened then either, and then I figured out why the Queen came with us, after the cleansings that the priestesses make us go through, with fresh robes given to us to cover ourselves, the High Priestess comes up to us and then smiles and embraces the queen. The High priestess is her cousin, while I’m still processing we head into a room with the coolest map of the land I have ever seen, the High Priestess basically points at one of the glittering lights and suddenly the world swirls around us and we are standing on top of a pyramid with a Sphinx nearby (nobody said how much they smell). Torrun asked if he was the Librarian, not sure why, he certainly doesn’t look like a librarian. Grignak reverently passes the Kidney of Osiris, which is as big as Willy, to Willy. I feel a little out of my depth but remember that Indaris has been through this, and with my deepest priesty voice I recited the Prayer that Indaris had done and everyone looked dead set impressed (acting skool finally paying off heh). When Willy placed the Kidney on the pedestal of light, the glow from the light engulfed us all, and I heard music like I had never heard before and Lord Osiris himself appeared in front of us, and his words were the music, but like a song from another time, but I could understand the meaning. Lord Osiris had just told us to be excellent to one another. As we left Grignak reminded us that we could have been gone for days or weeks.

When we met the high priestess again she informed us with a smile on her face that only a day had passed and that she had enjoyed the time with her cousin, we also got onto the idea of silly launcher devices for Willy, as that could certainly be a surprise for someone, put a conical metal helmet on him and shoot him out of a crossbow as a guided weapon of mass destruction, I laughed heartily at the idea (I think Torrun started mentally constructing a weapon) but we would have to be desperate to do that. We leave again by the Grace of the Queen, and after sailing for a few days and back up in Bizantium City, to enjoy all that awesome snow.

We have a council of war with the king, and Willy approaches King Minischmee to get Kitty assigned to us(him), they talk a bit and I heard words like Gnomish air force and Military Bird Aviaries and zone out again and practice rolling a coin across my fingers, have to keep them supple in this could weather and I notice that Torrun and the King are quibbling about charts the go around the Land of the Damned. Here we are trying to save the world from darkness and the King is moaning about secret charts. Happily he comes up with a plan that Silent didn’t seem to like much so silent joined in to help whatever they were doing, and even Jershon, the Captain of the Shield of Light is brought in and agrees not to chart the monster sea. To bad if we need to come back that way.

The King organises the scanning of the crew, with Silent’s help and the rest of us do our housekeeping. This time I go with Torrun to get the Book money, Torrun has a conversation about helping the Gold Coast whilst I get the scrip and coins. No stood up girls from Torruns past appear and steal it, however on the way home a beggar comes up to us and tells us Pooball Pondscum wants us to see him at a particular bar, so we head back and give this great news to the rest of the party. The next day is fairly boring as we basically all wait for night to fall so no one does a huge amount. We go meet the beggar, who then takes us to a pub where the bed bugs mug people on the way in they are so big.

Waiting for us at a table is scuzzball slimewad, with a semen filled grin profaning the air.

Mangy basically orders Crisis to do some crappy stuff, or skim money off Grignak, Grignak starts fast talking him, so I just start telling Sloppypoo Skidmark what I think of him and he gets all worked up, I thought he was about to shank me when Torrun talks him down (who’d have thunk) and Jizzlicker Nutsucker walks off in a huff. I think Grignak’s fast talk worked because of Torrun and I, but only time will tell. We are supposed to hand over a book of names that we will find in hades, I would prefer to burn in hell than let him have it, as I have met and worked with people like Mangy Carl, but have always disliked them, and Mangy Carl wouldn’t be missed if he suddenly and spontaneously died of iron overdose.


Image Credits:
Gawker nut kick stock image found at
War Council from The Witcher 3
Smurf Assassin Motifake Wit Liberation F
Titan stoneship byGeorge Grie
Laughing King byAri Roussimoff
Boat repair byWilliam Lionel Wyllie
Boat repair by by William Lionel Wyllie


7 Responses to “Parasites and Prayer

  • My favorite parts are every time someone in CrIsis does a CrIsis thing Merkl thinks that he will die.
    “My heart did a double dip and I started counting guards (lots), catapults (too many) and magic user types nearby (OMG we are going to die)”
    Really great official log!

  • I think he has been taking naming lessons from Ursus…or maybe its just his own flavor.

    • You do pick up mannerisms from your friends.

  • “at least I know who to call if we need something small, blue and defenseless killed.” Hey Smurfs aren’t easy to kill at all – just ask the Wizard Gargamel!

  • Great, just great now people are going to think Torrun is likable, jeez! 😛

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