When Life Gives You Lemons, Have A Lemon Party

Bunch of Ingrates

A bunch of ingrates, that’s what they are. I get everyone a fancy eye patch for sailing and moving above and below deck with ease and they just toss them in their back pockets and give a half thank you. The only one that wore it for a while was Overkill but he took it off when he found out it was not magical. Don’t they understand that it is freakin’ dark down there below deck. I can’t count how many times I have almost tripped down the stairs. I’m glad my room isn’t near the stairs because I would be constantly woken up by people tripping from their eyes not adjusting. Speaking of giving gifts I hope Ra is pleased with me. I give so much time and money to him, but not even a word from his priests, Ramen, or himself. Sometimes I feel like he only is there to punish me when I get out of line, but when I do good I don’t even get a pat on the back. Maybe I should just give more its not like I have anything to spend it on other than new sewing kits for Mr. Barnaby Jones, the poor teddy bear. I don’t really know what to buy anyhow too many fancy things distract me. Maybe I will buy some lemons for the group so they can prevent scurvy. They could always have a lemon party or something while stay up deck on my guard duty. Makes sense since they are sour about my eye patches, which a lot of hard work and thought went into. They even have the symbol of CrIsis on them. Anyhow let me digress, and talk about how awesome I am. Yes, Chip I know you are reading this and sending it to Rod Rambler so you will have to send him this about how I saved you and made you look good even though it was all me.

It all started after we had left the port. We were one day out and it was pretty toasty. Everyone was down to barely their summer’s finest. Chip was performing some activity he called “wake boarding” it seems kind of dangerous in this world. It involves being dragged behind a boat with a piece of wood strapped to one’s feet. I wonder if anyone has told him about all the dangerous creatures in the world or if he is just that cocky. Anyhow the rest of us were relaxing on deck when Cava spots something ahead. “Sea Serpent!”, he cries out. See! Told you the water is not a place to relax and have fun on. I really hate boats in the first place. If I had my way I would walk or something else better that I really can’t think of right now. Anyways while the sea serpent was rising out of the water, I saved Chip’s butt by telekinetically lifting him out of the water onto the deck. In the mid air he pretended to make it look as if he was jumping out of the water. I have to admit it was kinda funny, but he is just too cocky and next time he won’t have such a soft landing. Oh and Rell, who had been learning to shoot the cannon, well let’s just say he shot our boat somehow. So we are now all on deck and Greldarr tosses his famous spell of fire protection on everybody and everyone is pissed off at Rell. That wolfen is pretty smart because I didn’t think sea creatures shoot out fire, but they do and that leads me to reason number two why I am awesome. As the beast shoots fire at Cava in the crows nest, Cava shrugs it off and taunts the beast. This was pretty funny I got to admit. I was about to laugh when I realized something; the crows nest is on fire. Normally its not such a big deal, but then I remember something I asked a while back. Why is yellow wood so special? They said it is super strong and hardy, but is super flammable! Flammable, “Oh $#!+!” While everyone was focused on the beast I was focused on this boat. If this goes down we will all be at the bottom of the ocean. With quick acting I used my hydrokinesis for one of the first useful times in my life and prayed that I hit the flame. I did, because well . . . . I’m awesome, Chip! So just face it! Also, where’s my money for stealing peeks at my journal? Anyhow going back to the fight our captain almost threw all of us overboard with his breakneck turns on the boat. I thought for sure we were going to fall in. As our boat was starting to leave, I fired a power at the beast and he became temporarily paralyzed. It was here that Chip jumped off the boat and began attacking the foul beast and it was slain from all our efforts combined, although Chip did steal the kill. We were going to try to harvest the beast, but we did not have any harpoons and so it sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Note to self buy some harpoons and some kind of launcher like a scorpion or something of the like.

After this there was some more peace and quiet. That is, until banging woke me up from my sleep. I mean come on for goodness sakes guys I bought those eye patches for a reason. When the banging continued however I went to go investigate since it was close to my room and to my surprise the person wasn’t tripping over things, they were destroying our boat! “Cava, cut that out!”, I yelled at him. Cava continued to destroy the walls with his axe. Okay this guy has officially lost it. Time to subdue him, but before I could Overkill charges at him trying to tackle him unarmed. I gotta admit it was kinda funny to see that “Oh crap, I just got hit in the back with an axe, face,” but at the same time I did feel bad. Next Mary took a swing at Cava with some fancy cleaver Overkill got her in town. I heard he dropped 14,000 gold on her because he pissed her off calling her ugly. I can’t wait till he calls me ugly and then we get to go on a shopping spree. Anyhow Mary plunged that cleaver into Cava like she meant business. With that I knew this had to stop. So I paralyzed Cava, temporarily, and the rest of the tied him up. Rell must have been in shock, cause I told him like twenty times to get out his manacles. He kinda just stood there with his mouth open. This Rell guy must be smoking some pipe weed in his chambers. We should confiscate it if he is going to keep hitting friends with axes and stuff and not pay attention when we need him. Finally, Rell manacled Cava and I went to attend to Overkill’s wound. He seemed to have just a minor wound so I joked that he should be tougher like a real dwarf since it was only minor. With that Mary went feral and tried to attack me. I tried to paralyze her, but she resisted. Finally, Overkill called her off, and I said “Yeah you best, listen to Overkill.” Then I smiled. This set her off again and she began charging me. “Go to sleep!”, and with that she stood there paralyzed. I calmly walked over to Rell to manacle her too since she went crazy, but Overkill said that wouldn’t be necessary he would have a word with her. So we healed Overkill and the two left for a bit. I stayed with Rell and Chip. We watched Cava till he came out of his paralysis. When he came to he was very apologetic. He told us of his family’s murder and how he has had nightmares since. With this I felt compassion. I know what it is like to see your friends be slaughtered because they just want a life as equals not as slaves. So I asked Cava if I could share his experience with him. He said yes and I asked him to open his mind. After a few seconds of probing I ran into the strangest thing. It was like a blocked out area in his memories. It was as if something had sealed them in a mind vault of which the likes I have never seen before. This is extremely weird. Without access to this I cannot install a peaceful memory into him. Chip went and got the others to come back once Cava was himself again.
When people arrived I told them my plans. It seems people doubt me because they discriminate against my age. This infuriates me. Then all of them except Greldarr wanted to continue with him in this state. This was the breaking point. Doing this would create such a risk for the group that it could spell failure. Allowing such a risk is going against the gods. With this I stated Gavin’s and Ra’s point of view. If you guys choose to not seek aid for this person or drop him off as soon as possible, then I have no choice but to continue the quest without you guys. With this silence filled the room as the gravity of the situation hit everyone. However, Cava broke the silence with laughter. “Foolish mortals, how dare you go against the almighty Anubis!” With this we were shocked as the room grew darker and Cava’s body easily broke through his restraints. It turns out that Cava’s heart was so darkened by his past events that it allowed Anubis to plant to his seeds of evil in his soul. See Gavin was right, but if the truth had been known before no one would have objected to me! With that the Cava with an Anubis head grabbed Overkill and said why do you defy me. Overkill muttered that he serves Anubis too and that this was in his best interest. Really, Overkill? How can you be so cowardly and deny your god when put in a tough place? You coward you deserve a painful death! If you deny your own deity when the going gets hard you deserve nothing less. Questioning a god’s intentions are one thing but to serve their enemy and praise him? I must digress from my anger, because with that Anubis threw Overkill into a wall. With that Anubis grabbed me and said “You speak the same question!” I tried to speak, but words could not form. I wanted to say do your worst because I do not serve you! However, Greldarr began to speak. I can’t say I agree with all he said, but at least he did not deny his allegiance. This talking was a great distraction because it allowed Chip to stab Anubis with the trident he had. I felt his body tremble with pain as it plunged into his flesh. It turns out god’s do feel pain and can die. Good! With that I reached out with my mind remembering the holy sword, Aria. I grabbed the sword with telekinesis and flung it at a vulnerable spot. It would have surely killed him, but with lightning speed he deflected the sword and it lay on the ground. Greldarr seeing my idea ran up picked up the sword and plunged it into Anubis. This truly hurt Anubis because of the sword’s holy properties. Simultaneously Anubis was hit by Chip once more. Anubis finally had enough and flung Chip into a wall knocking him out. I have no clue where Rell was. It may be due to the fact that Anubis was pretty much choking me. Finally Anubis turns back to me and says, “Do you have something to say?” With that I say three words, “Ra protect me,” and I fired all of the chunks of rock and metal that I had been saving up out from the teddy bear. With this Anubis let out another growl in pain and Greldarr seized the moment and attacked Anubis as well with Aria. The room grew lighter again as the presence of Anubis had left the room. Cava laid there worn out and we were left to care for our friends.
The rest of the night passed by smoothly and Greldarr has begun performing an exorcism on Cava. I was forced to take Cava’s watch in the crows nest. Did I mention I hate heights? It might be that I fell last time and hurt myself really bad. However, I sucked it up and began climbing one rung at a time. Eventually I made it to the top. It was pretty cool up there. I could see really far. However that meant I saw what I didn’t want to see. Pirates again. Seriously? Can’t we have a trip in peace? I call down pirates and as I do Chip fires a shot at the ships. Well, so much for diplomacy. The rest of these events I am trying to block out. Overkill our …. Captain? I hate to call him that after this fight. Well let’s just say he was very indecisive in this fight. Chip didn’t help much either when he continued to shoot our friends on the deck instead of the enemies. Maybe he took a page out of Rell’s book with the cannon. I wish it were just that and not that everyone has gotten lazy. So to make a long story short two of our members are almost dead because of Chip, I saved the crow’s nest with the shield, and Overkill almost got our ship sunk. Did I mention the pirates all got away too?
Poor Cava fell from the crows nest. I am all too familiar with that. So Cava and Rell lay in a coma due to the wonderful shooting of Chip. However, I saved Rell and Cava. I left them with Greldarr to be healed back to full while I continue my watch for the rest of the day. I hope that this will be the last of our events before we reach our destination. Otherwise I will petition we go by horse for this is much too risky.

Posted by Gavin on the 8th day of Corg in the 8th Year of King Gedro.

Image by Metallixfaker.

2 Responses to “When Life Gives You Lemons, Have A Lemon Party

  • Wow, He really has an ego, doesn’t He. It is so big, he is trying to compete with Chip. WOW.

  • There was a theory that the way the books got written was Chip was sneaking around reading everything, and people went bananas with it…

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