A Bad Fart Joke

A Trip to the Dark Side… of Town


Haven is a fun place if you are just attempting to stay on the ‘fun’ side of town but it takes a whole new turn when you go to the Dark Side… a.k.a. New Haven. After cleaning up and getting off the ‘natural’ high of being with gods and angels we were approached by a dwarf called Shrimp…? Er.. Stubby…? No.. Shortage…? Er.. wait no, uh… Lawn Gnome… uh… Halfling…? Half Pint…? Hobbit…? No that’s not it either…

Oh yea Tiny! (Sorry I am still laughing) There were so many short jokes exchanged about that guy I wondered why we were still considered to help him.

Well it turns out that Tiny wants out help to kill some dark priest that has been killing priest and acolytes and he had had enough (sorry no short joke there). So he asks us to ‘escape’ Haven and he’ll take us through to a safe place in New Haven across the bay. So first we go into the sewers like a flushed turtle and the fart jokes just started. I considered lighting up a cigar just to change the smell but a little voice in my head told me not to. When we finally emerge from the… uh… mess, we smell to high heavens; thank the gods for the spell Cleanse. When armpit hair smells like butt… well you know. I will never look at diarrhea the same again.

With a human guard with each of us we make our way to the dark temple of Taut. The dark stain glass windows, dark mahogany and onyx were suitable for a god just wish that they were ones that I fail to appreciate. The guard on the outside was quickly taken care of as well as the one inside were so quickly killed even the dark gods would appreciate it if it wasn’t in their house. Some twenty guys later we had found the guy that need to be ‘removed’ and the fit hit the shan (sorry I cant help it, I spent way too long in that bad fart of a sewer).

Now side note here… dark priests do not play nice… at all… period. They hold parties with some unsavory characters (and that’s not a cow to minotaur joke). This guy had a series of vile creatures that would make the sewers of Haven smell pleasant and their moods are just as foul. I took my new position again as archer of the team and as we charged in the creatures were taken down so fast that they didn’t get a chance to recover. The golden moment was when Xerx’ses took the finger of Osiris and stabbed the she-dog and along with a catchy closing, gave her a piece of Osiris in such a way that she will never forget in the next life (stabbity action right in the gut). Her expression was one of joy and pain all at the same time. She got the piece but was not going to get a chance to enjoy it.

Now while we were cleaning up it turned out that we found a diamond about the size of my head. Were I a dwarf I would of perhaps jizzed in my pants with elation (it was so pretty); good thing I’m a hobgobblin. The downside though to our success was that we lost the lovely Caminata. There was a big flash that finished off most of the villains but the lovely (sweet succulent hottie and that beautiful body) um.. the elf was killed in the flash of power. Mere piece remained and probably should not of been resurrected save the power of the gods and their magic was with us. We scrapped the remains into a sack and returned back to the temple. Stumpy er… Tiny almost was killed too (side note again… That half pint did a half assed job and got himself turned to stone while we were killing a priest. I really wanted to leave the guy behind because he really doesn’t show much appreciation for good humor).

When we got back to the temple the power of the gods and the gifts of the gods resurrected our lovely lass with a sweet looking… uh… shes pretty. It was shortly afterward that we made the grand presentation of giving the foot to the gods and it would be Raulf and I that would present the gift and be present in feeling the power of a God grow. A promise has been fulfilled and an Old Lady is very happy (I think that she even cried). New side note again (I know that there is now getting to be a lot): After seeing gods and the impressive (whats he called?) His Holyness Pontiff U’Selekma I am starting to gain control of that stutter that keeps coming up when I see these great guys that should be in my place.

I really appreciate a Wolfen taking their code of honor, power and might and take some time to be humble. Come to think of it when it comes to all the ‘monster’ races that I have been associated with I would say that I am closer to them than the Priest on the team. I will make more time to be a friend to Indaris.

While we exited the temple and headed back to our world (the temple being the gate) it was Indaris that suggested that we take some of the sand that seemed to have magic properties back to Rogtilda for his experience. So he will get a bundle of sand and a huge diamond. It was me that took off my clothes so we could bring back the sand. It must have been humorous, a short guy naked with a bundle of cloth and a hand full of sand.

After the cheers (and geers; I’m serious there was some boos) and getting dressed we made our way to the Holy City of Sekti-Abtu where we were met my his Holyness (you know the guy).

Smell ya later,


Written by Burlap on the 5th of Algor, 17th year of King Itomas.

Picture from Star Wars

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