Burnt Beard

A homage to a fallen hero and rise of a new one


What can I say about Overkill? Nothing! I didn’t know the guy. Sure his reputation preceded him but really? Ok I do know one thing; he’s dead. But really, no I have nothing but respect for a guy that gave up his whole life, a chance at career and family to be a servant to the gods.Indaris told me that his last days were spent in the service of Thoth. His last moment of life, he took the very item that he had of Osiris, the foot of the old god (talk about boot to the head) and chucked it at Xerx’ses before burning to a crisp. I hear that he even mouthed “Mary, I tried” before he died. What a guy!

Its funny how all that came to be; I was at the mercy of Thoth only a month before because I said some political jokes that Slapstick loved but the local lords thought it was beheading worthy. As I was at the mercy of the local lord and was losing out on the mercy and was certain to lose my head, a hooded figure came to my rescue.

“He is my servant. You may execute him if you pay the full price for him; a million gold.”

The lord jumped to his feet aghast and insulted. He spilled some grapes, beer and bread when his fat butt got up (how? I don’t know. I mean look at those kankles). It was a bit comical to see a balding fatty attempting to exercise authority but the hooded fellow had complete control of the situation.

“Will you pay me?”

The lard-o gets all bent out of shape as he is barking insults and making a lot of gestures toward me. Did I mention that I don’t speak too many languages? I knew that it was Elven but I just don’t speak it. Well this dignitary asks for restitution for my insults and the hooded fellow drops a sizable bag. On impact it explodes open with enough gold for a small mansion. This bloated pig then called for my immediate release and turns me over to the hooded guy. I wish that I could of used my magic to understand what happened. I only know that when we were alone that my savior revealed himself to be Thoth. Imagine my surprise. I just stood there.
“Uh… What do I owe this pleasure?”

“You will help me and the members of CrIsis when I call you. You will be my champion should my champion fall.”

“Uh… who is your champion?”

“Overkill of Sinza.”

Now this guy’s reputation had preceded him a little and I had heard of him as far as the Western Empire. This guy had bit the dust at least a half dozen times and could not die. I could only smile figuring that whatever this Overkill was called to do, he was going to finish. Man, I wish that I was right.

A month later I was called. I thought that I would be a wiseass and give a quick “Tada…!!” Not exactly the right approaches to the recent death of a comrade of CrIsis. It took so little time to get really warmed up because when I arrived the town was on fire and a river of lava was flowing through it. The team had just pulled out the dwarf’s remains so there was a baked skeleton in a melted suit of, I think, gold. The shock and horror on their faces, I wasn’t sure when I could introduce that I was a magic clown or the fact that I really enjoy a good… laugh.. Uh… yea.

So any way, you know that our family is from Western Empire and well I haven’t been more than a hundred fifty feet from home; I really thought that I would be out of here. I reappeared roughly about twenty miles from where I was doing a gig. So much for my rampant sense of adventure and the thought that I would see the world; I think that I had been to this town. As I recall it was called Shincasa. The river of lava was an improvement from where they started; a real den of iniquity; a real hive of ‘scum and villainy’ (the priest’s words not mine). The locals were not too happy and had started hunting for the ‘guy’ that had started the river and we had to leave town to keep from being noticed.

Its interesting, being out of the loop as it were it was interesting to see Tyvernos disappear and Caminata (who I didn’t know was biped because she came as a wolf) appear with her companion, oh and her other companion Bast (what a hottie) who apparently was just dropping off and picking up. This is the third god that I’ve seen in my life. Awesome!

Some days later because of a decision of going to White Ash and traversing the most terrible monsters (politicians) we finally got to the city.Azariel was certain to pay homage to his lords and ladies who were… uh… good at magic I guess. I wasn’t sure if Azariel was just seeking to add to his grief of a lost comrade by seeing the grave site of his father. I really did my best to behave and thankfully I came across an old friend from school there called Backwash. While the team talked to some old guys and get information Backwash (an old buddy from college) and I exchanged five years of stories. Later we were invited to dinner and man that was awesome, the turkey was a bit dry like some of the jokes but all in all I thought that CrIsis really had it good with knowledge of people in high places and knowing gods, I mean really? Where was the struggle? Running from pissed peasants? Then again I do remember that there was a demon that was attempting to get us. Where was he?

At dinner there was talk of the gods and some guy named Asol. I made a pun about not wanting to talk of my Asol. How was I supposed to know that that was a guy who was an old friend and mentor of Xerx’ses. I know, funny right? Not the evil glare but uh… Anyway, Caminata was given a chance to stay there in the city by a woman who knew ice and crystal magic. I wonder if she was involved in the encasing of Kahn Halo in crystal for his stunts from our old school. I didn’t bring it up. I was certain that it was a private moment.

Later that night was a candle light eulogy for Overkill. I really wish that I knew him more than from a book and legends. I am certain that some of the hype was true. At the funeral the priest gave a poem that went something like this…

Prayer for Overkill
My Lady of the Garden of Death
Thy Love pervades the Earth,
Please watch over our Beloved as They pass through the Two Lands,
As Thou send forth rays from Thy two Beautiful Eyes.
The Dead are rapturous with delight when Thou shine.
Thy stars arise, and we are cheered by Their rising,
The faithful sing in joy when thou shine in full power
May you carry our companion with thee as thee surveys thy domain.
Beloved art Thou when Thou art in the Southern Sky,
And Thou art esteemed Lovely when Thou art in the Northern Sky.
Thou draws our fears away when you pass through the eastern sky
and the carry our lost friends to thou bosom when your flow through the western sky
Thy Beauty takes possession of and carry away all hearts,
And the Love for Thee subdues all,
Thy Beautiful Form makes the hands to tremble,
All hearts are healed at beholding Thee.
May our fallen friend travel with thee to Ma’ip and be reunited with his child.

That night we spent in some of the finest goose feather beds and I slept like a log and snored like one too. I was roomed with the only kobald. I didn’t tell you this yet have I? The famed Asher was my roommate. Funny how the only language I was sure that I was never going to use because our master discouraged it was going to be the means of chatting up half the night. I really like the old fart. Turns out that he used to be a citizen of our country but changed. I know, right? I mean what the… Anyways…

The next few days after that were somewhat of a blur as we travel through the jungles of the Western Empire fighting snakes, giant squirrels, politicians, orcs etc (ok there are no giant squirrels; just making sure that you’re paying attention). We worked hard and finally got to Shandala (a choir sings in the background), a city that the members of CrIsis knew all too well. There was a small citywide celebration for our ‘return’. We made a hasty retreat to the temple where after going through all the names of Isis, we finally got to the top (I failed to realize that that girl has so many names; dang!). I got some cool duds out of the exchange though; ones with my name on them. When we went into the inner sanctum of the temple and were greeted by Isis and there we handed over the Femur of Osiris (I’m telling you this has geek out all over it). Also there were all the members of the past of CrIsis… Yea I know what you’re thinking. Overkill, the man… er… dwarf, the legend. Here was tons of guys that I had only read about in Rod Rambler’s books and I was beholding their faces, shaking their hands and talking to them face to face.

Caminata wanted to know more of what was going to happen to us, to Osiris, to the world and in this holy of holy I get this holy hard on that only Bast could tame as she begins to unrobe and through her chanting and such gains a prophetic vision. When she passed out I took the time to take her robe and cover her soft succulent body. (I bit my knuckle just to keep my thoughts pure).

Overkill gave his last hurrahs to his pals before returning to Bennu and a god awful scream that I am sure that there is an explanation for why he is suffering. Side note here, I might give an evil cackle that sends chills up a person’s spine letting them know that they are up against a funny looking and talented wizard but that really upset me.

Now there is a polearm that we had acquired prior to me being on the team and we were considering leaving at the temple or using it to find the team called ReSet (the Dark Side version of CrIsis). In the end and still undecided we exit and are met by Father Yogi Abba (a goofy looking dude because of his large hands, feet and nose and you know if those are large then he must have a large… well never mind. I’m just saying he better be packing because like I said he is one goofy looking dude). He gives good counsel and tells us to leave the spear; that here is a “place”where it will never see the light of day nor ever do evil again. I’m pretty convinced and so is the rest of the team so away it goes to be part of the relicts that reside here in the temple.

So now we leave the temple patting ourselves on the back thinking “that well that’s over with.. ha ha…” Man I wish I was right. Remember how I wondered where that ReSet group of clowns were? Yea, they were waiting for us outside. Demons to the left of me, demons to the right of me, they were all over us. Ok there were a few demons; I’m just going for the flair of the dramatic. Now I hadn’t done too much Ludicrous Magic in a combat scenario (kind of shows seeing that I almost lost my head only a month before) but these guys were good, really good. In a matter of seconds Balrogs and Alu demons vanquished, fields were on fire and their little master (I’m serious here he was really short; a dwarf) captured and ready for interrogation. So what to do? We totally made him talk. Within seconds he was singing like a canary (oh… that gives me an idea for a spell).

All in all, we have had our ups and downs here. I am not sure exactly where we are right now (I don’t navigate often). I am not sure what my role is (am I the junior member, the noob?). In the end I aim to finish what that dwarf started. I am the kazoo (attaché) of Thoth.



This letter will also go to a gal called Ondemeira the White, that’s why there is a lack of fart jokes here, because I know you love my fart jokes.

Attached is a picture of my ripped body. Just kidding, its an stolen painting of a guy I owe money to.

Written by Burlap on the Third of Set.

Picture from Aaron Henson


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