I’m a Rainbow Too!

Tyvernos’s Account of the Ancient Wooly Adventure

To the Agent (a pigeon sent to Oric Bellode in the hopes that it will reach the Agent’s eyes and ears),

0(DSRJK@#$Y(D(F D((FJkjdKJ#J#K!#!!KjdfkjA98du@pxx(UFDOKI3409dlk
#$IIODMKLAD:SLfid908-#$Kl;ks0-298 fjk 0d9aLDIFA( djkladds#(UA LSKDKJ#J#K!#!!Kjd@#@098u0jdkj3jdaijd@p@

Evidently my scribe’s penmanship ability is woefully absent from the Phantom Limbs. That was their brief opportunity to express themselves, the clumsy appendages (far worse with the written word than with the spoken). They mean so well and yet they’re just too young to communicate. I think this is what they were trying to say:

Dear Agent,

The sun was shining! The weather is sweet!
It made me want to move my dancin’ feet!
To the rescue….here I am!
Want you to know, y’all, where I stand.
Tell myself a new day is rising. Get on the rise.
A new day is dawning. Here I am.
I want you to know just where I stand.
So when the morning gathers the rainbow.
I want you to know I’m a rainbow too. I’m a rainbow too! HERE I AM!!!!!

Ahhh…can you smell that? The spray of brine in the air, swells that crash upon our Rogtildan Hull. It’s gorgeous out! The sky is clear and the sun’s warmth makes lounging lizards of anyone above deck. This is paradise! The breeze keeps muggy heat from sweltering my armpits into a broth that marinates Gnomish tenderloin in the juices of perspiration. Basting the Bennu-Bernard with the sweat of servility. We are overripe! Even Tranny attentively fans herself with free, airy hands — one up high on her crystalline face and one down below in her voluminous folds. She hasn’t been this moist since Lady Shandra’s fastidious (read: thorough) tidying of her dirty person after an assault on the citadel.

The Dragon’s Roost is an island on the Eastern edge of the Floenry Isles. It is the home of thick, jungles, rare species, some monkey-cat mooksh, and a family of Ancient Wooly Dragons. It was the perfect spot for a CrIsis vacation! Sun, surf, and serpentine strife! What more could a group of trailblazing brazen heroes ask for? When we arrived we were immediately introduced to a Bennuvian Care-Package in the form of a new signet ring on an Elvish Finger. Express delivery! It was awfully thoughtful of the Phoenix Mother to drop off a sylvan sniper. Who says the gods can’t predict the future?

I nonchalantly bade Our Captain use the Gem of Reality while he was telescopically espying the island — and crotchety old Dwarf caught my sea-drift when he very casually surveyed the landscape…and the newcomer just after dropping the spyglass. Very slick! And a good way of cutting to the mutton and chops of our Fireside Chat. The Elf’s name is Isle-Wren. He’s a local ornithologist and that worked out perfectly for our introduction to the restless natives.

Overkill had caught a glimpse of an invisible ship that was masked by magical illusion. Once I had reason to doubt the magic it quickly fell before my imperious disbelief. I had Tranny give Otto the old “How’s your father?” so she could see over the gunwale and give me her impression of a bird-dog. These piquant primates looked like a cross-pollination of Lunacy and Buggery with a little Skulduggery thrown into the mix. I thought we’d get on famously but the industry with which they emptied that ship gave me pause. This calls for a closer look. On Tranny! On Xerxes! On Otto! On BLITZEN!!! We’ve got quite a few options for reconnaissance and they concurred that most of the sailors corpses showed the bloated, blue-rimmed signs of drowning. They made a fine appetizer for the jungle denizens. While the Tranny’s away the CrIsis will play — with Eye Tiles of course! I had the ol’ girl deposit one above deck and one below deck (each linked to either Ja’Deir or Xerxes) so we could get a bird’s eye view of what was going on on the strange vessel.

This looked like a perfect time to intrude! We hopped into the dingy and Michael rowed our boat ashore. Not moments later, after inspecting the bloated bodies of drowned sailors more closely, we saw a pod of hippos CRASH out of the jungle and STAMPEDE straight toward us on the beach! It was like Normandy all over again! I was almost too stunned to act surprised when I was paralyzed from the pen…neck down. “Everything is going numb!” I shouted but my companions were too busy focusing on getting Overkill’s tiny body working again. Apparently we had BOTH eaten the same bad chicken and contracted para-salmanella! Simultaneously! The diminutive statures have very similar metabolic processes. I gave the silent, mental command to both my Tranny and my doG, to beware foul play! This wouldn’t have been the first time that someone immobilized me to get into my pants. That time, however, I was posing as poster-child for the Man-Boy Love Association to save Gavin’s juicy ruby starfruit from being deflowered. Take it from a seasoned asshole — these things require delicacy. Kaash is King they say! But only when money’s tight. And my money was on revealing the prodigious digit-turned-phallus dangling pendulously from betwixt wee Gnomish thighs.

You’re never gonna guess who it was. Remember that Waternix who refused to die? No? That’s because she fucking died like she was supposed to. Good girl. The Syvan who didn’t? The one who took Kchaketch-egh (there is literally a wad of phlegm crusted to the parchment here). Ahem, excuse me. The one who took that old Wolfen’s sword from his never-dying bones? Yeah that GODSFORSAKEN SYVAN WHO GOT THE KILLING BLOW ON THE WATEREDDOWN SHITKICKER VERSION OF NECROM’S LATEST INCARNATION! Yeah, after an electromagnetic black hole vortex skewered that demonic skidmark down the asscrack of cum-sliding dick-deriding cum-dumpsters…and left him with just enough life for DARKSONG to waltz in and steal the kill. Credit where credit’s due. Thank you Karowyn’s. We left unfinished business on that fucker’s face and forgot to wipe the best part of our patronage out from his mama’s crack. Not again I tell you…NEVER AGAIN!

Credit where credit’s due. That guy knows how to hold a grudge. I mean, he waited for us on Dragon’s Roost in the Floenry Isles. Jesus! He waited for over a year in some random armpit of jungle and autochthonous mongoose dung! I respect that. I almost wanna let him kill me now. It’s a skewed sense of morally misguided obligation that feels guilt. I should have died. He had his chance — and he’d have ANOTHER one (but I’m getting ahead of myself) — and he fucked it up. A Syvan is an evil undead creature that can be very tough in its own right. Give one the Mindprancer (read: Mind-Raper) Rune weapon from the Dread Pirate Jason’s treasure hoard and you’ve got one WICKED antagonist who’s nigh impossible to kill. He stabbed me good…and got Overkill even better…but we lived to tell the tale due in no small part to the heroism of a Bull and a Squirrel — Rocky and Bullshitwinkle. Anti-magic cloud negated the magical component of the poison / paralysis and psychic diagnosis and psychic surgery / purification brought us to a semi-swift recovery. Thanks guys! OK and I owe you our lives!

We were at an impasse. Elfy-Spice had gone off into the jungle and made contact with the Lord of the Flies. Abu was our single point of contact for the monkey-cats. They were willing to lead us to the dragon in exchange for something called “shinies.” It sounded a bit like a scam but I voiced my opinion to press onward without their help and definitely without rest. We were on a mission. Internal Strength and Potential Psychic Energy were luxuries we didn’t need. There are people in Timiro who are STARVING! I bade Tranny donate the balance of her energy to the Bullotaur and we strode further into the jungle with…

OUT FURTHER ADODARKSONG STRUCK AGAIN!!! This time we were only marginally less prepared and Tranny stepped in to parry for me — luckily — saving my life! THANK YOU TRANNY!!!! This guy just wouldn’t give up. I’ll give him that. And he was relentless! Only now, in retrospect, do I find it odd that with Tranny’s innate ability to see invisible things, Otto’s tracking by scent, my invoking of my Ring of See Invisible, and Indaris’s See Invisible prayer that this ballsy motherfucker attacked AGAIN! Sigh. If only someone would have attempted to Detect an Ambush! Guffaw! And we expect to save the Megaverse? Not with performances like that one guys. I managed to get a Wind Rush off and nail that sonofabitch with 15 seconds of immobility at the EXACT same time that Tranny hit ‘em with her own Wind Rush. Alright, Fucker! It’s on! If ever there was a life more deserving to be taken I didn’t know it. I was seeing CRIMSON! Until…

The threat was neutralized with Xerx’es playing of a DRAMA LLAMA CARD — Safe Passage! It got us through the jungle unharried, unharrowed, and unscathed directly to the dragon’s doorstep. Holy shit! Thank you Doctor Zizmore! Alas, it wasn’t Darksong’s day to die and Xerxes saved me the agony of having to separate him from that agonizing Assassin’s Blade. Ancient Wooly Dragon HERE WE COME! We used the respite to rest from the road, buff, heal, meditate to full, and get ourselves into tip-top-fighting-shape.

I immediately cast a great cloud of magical darkness and announced to the group that they could seek refuge and shelter within the cloud if they feared for their lives. Only an Air Warlock and other air elementals can see clearly through the cloud of mystical obscuring. It was a perfect vantage to shield my next few spells from wyrm-purview. Speaking of which…the Mystical Bulwark you taught me worked INCREDIBLY! The Whirling Wall summoned 44 stones that revolved and rotated around me in a miniature hurricane with me standing in the “eye.” From within that protection nothing could approach or attack me without being parried by the stones! I used this time to hand-over my Scroll of Behemoth to Xerxes and wished him the best of luck being our distraction. He took it with grim determination and began to weave the spells of a Wizard’s Enhancements.

Elfy-Spice hit with expert marksmanship and pierced the wyrm’s eyeball! It didn’t even flinch. I sent Tranny to scurry about and seek out the foot of Osiris. Foolishly, it was a waste of her energies and I only later realized that her I.Q. of 10 wasn’t receptive to complex directive. Never mind the fact that the foot was probably a prize of the dragon’s treasure hoard — not just sitting out in a clearing of the jungle. Overkill charged forward into Mortal Combat…but not before whipping out the Divine Digit as a divining rod to find the nearest piece! Xerxes WADED through the Jungle towered 30ft above us all and crashed through the vines and brush and fauna as if ready to go toe-to-toe with the Ancient foe. At the same time Ja’Deir scaled a tree and floated down in a hang-gliding psychic assault that was meant to completely incapacitate the dragon. Indaris was our steady bastion of priestly support and with his vantage point he made the perfect commander. His grasp of CrIsis’s battle prowess and her members’ powers gave him strategic insight to preside over the battle and utilize our unique combination of powers to maximum effect.

I used the added measure of protection to maintain my concentration and cast my MASSIVE DESTRUCTION spell. I gave Tranny the order and she imbued the giant Wyrm with Float in the Air. H u z z a h ! ! ! ! In the next instant my TORNADO spell went off and caught the Ancient Wooly Dragon in 120mph gale force winds! In the next instant I was momentarily paralyzed until I remembered the feature and function of being inside a magically obscured darkness with a legendary mystic bulwark that provides automatic parry to ALL attacks leveled at me no matter whence they originate. Whew! Good call! But I then took note that Overkill was just standing there. For that matter, it looked like Ja’Deir was too but I was too distracted to notice. I absorbed the remaining psychic energy from Tranny, kissed Otto good luck, and transformed into a Creature of the Wind. It was an easy strike roll for me to wrest the Finger of Osiris from Overkill’s callous and stony grip and I took off at 500mph with the Finger guiding my movements.

After that, everything was a blur. I re-summoned Tranny and entered the cave with giant treasure hoard! None of which interested me in the SLIGHTEST. I’m sure Lady Alessandra would “tsk” if she knew. And I’m sure Oric would “cluck” with disapproval. But, you see, Agent, I’m eager to face you — if only to put the confrontation behind us. I’m moist with anticipation. I don’t want to change myself and I don’t want to stoop to your level. I don’t want to conform to a set of rules I don’t acknowledge or believe in. I’m the guy who stands with CrIsis between you and world domination. So I sidled around the magic-draining ward, stole the foot, and returned to Rogtilda where I promptly sent a pigeon to my friends and lounged in the lap of luxury after a job well-done. From what I understand they lured the Dragon and it’s evil servitor, Abu_is_Evil into the cave, invoked a Legendary Divine Sanctuary, sanctioned and granted by Bennu, and brained the incapacitated wyrm to death…but not before killing Overkill. Y’know that guy has been resurrected like, I dunno…five times already? Sounds a little unfair, eh? We’re on our way.


Dear Lady wreathed in flame and fiery in the Eternal Phoenix. Thank you for your love and your guidance. Bless me in this quest to retrieve the piece of Osiris. In your name I pray. Love, Tyvernos

And I am reminded, painfully, that the Light once stood with the Dark to banish a greater evil…CHAOS…from this world. You’d do well to remember this. We are collecting the pieces and we are coming for you. We aren’t afraid and there are very few of our family members and friends left for you to use as leverage. It will soon me time to face the inevitable.

…because, if we can’t save the world, you can be damn sure we’ll Avenge it!

To the rescue, here I am!
Want you to know, y’all, where I stand!
I’m a Rainbow too!

Written by Tyvernos on…an unknown date, in the 69th year of the Wolfen Empire.

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