Who knew Bone-new?

I was away on business…in an out-of-body experience. Bennu benighted bravely in an age of barbarism and superstition. Come, Otto let us away while Tyvernos plays.

Evidently I changed the wind direction to a head wind, and stole Roggan’s brown cloak and donned it so that it flapped and billowed buoyantly behind me in the breeze. Presence, my dear. Evidently, I proudly displayed the prodigious digit betwixt my legs (an exposure that would prove detrimental to my physical well-being in the near future) standing astride Otto’s furry shoulders — triumphant in the night — as I made my entrance into the conquered city. Evidently, while talking to random villagers, I said, “Hail CrIsis! Bow thy selves before the hurricane of my corpulent turbulence!

Evidently, I interrogated Navelo. “I bewail myself for your sake my prolixity. My long-windedness has befraught many a frail soul, but if you hast not the moxy to abide my garrulous verbosity, leave now. But my question is this: What do you engage in for your personal merriment?

Evidently, I exclaimed, ‘That’s the song that Ferrel was looking for!’

Evidently, I bewailed Ferrel’s inopportune smiting. “Ah, the dulcet tones of Tyvernos’ mouthpiece!”

A well-timed Wind Rush blew the “Kelpies” away…and not long thereafter did I return to my body. The little Gnome’s room has kept me long-away and tarrying to a teetotalers tipsy teetering.

We decided to detour (weren’t we already on a detour?) to go kill someone in Cava’s back-story. Lance Bass! We’re gonna kick his ass Seabass! Much mirth and merriment would soon ensue! On our way to the wretched hive of scum and villainy known as Kaash we setup camp and were waylaid in the middle of the night by a pack of wolves! Roggan dispatched four of them with the stone magic of Elemental Earth. I, however, refused to harm a hair on their rabid heads until all other non-violent solutions had been exhausted. I announced CrIsis’s non-aggressive if not necessarily peaceful intentions…and invoked the Commune With Animals power from the Scepter of Apis and persuaded my animal brethren not to press their attack. Mother, I am but a humble warlock who hails from humble beginnings. The Forests are my home and, whilst I once derived power from the Elemental Air and Faith from Bennu I now owe my allegiance solely to the divine Phoenix wreathed in flames and wrought with the fire-tongue ferocity of Nature. My love, however, is not far beyond driven Druidic.

Roggan never ceases to amaze me! He garnered a wealth of experience for aptly recalling where information could be found regarding these monstrous animals we fought, Tuskers. Those of us with notebooks and zoological references scanned our resource material but came up empty-handed. These beasts truly are ferocious and thanks to Roggan we were able to ear-mark our indices.

_Note to self — compendium entry, Taxonomic rank for the Interdimensional Code of Zoological Nomenclature: TUSKER (Eukarya, Animalia, Chordata, Mammalia, Primates, Hominidae, Homo, Homo Tuskerus Erectus — pp.149 in the Compendium of Monsters and Animals._

Roggan played ASPLUNDH card from up his sleeve that emitted some lascivious concoction of perfume and hormones and pheromones.– members of the TUSKERS species now love the shit out of the odorous Troglodyte. Inanity ensued…sigh.

Tuskers attacked Cava — one bounced off his armor, one gave him damage, Cava took a chunk out of both of them. They next went after Overkill. OK took a chunk out of both of them. They were then heading towards other members of the group when Tyvernos shot one of them with the Fulmination of Greminor. Roggan then charmed them and they became like Roggan’s Pavlovian Response. The Trog threw a bone very far away for them to fetch while CrIsis tried to sneak away. The gods’ scions are terrible skulkers.

The events of the next day happened so rapidly as to seem a blur. I can scarcely recall having so much excitement in one little block of twenty-four hours!

We finally got away. Bennu’s Benevolence! Gavin turned into a sexy Elf and then we talked Tyrone into telling us about Nevin…Heegin Metalprincess. Gavin read the surface thoughts and found out that SHE HATES CHANGELINGS?!?! I cringed. As though we couldn’t see THAT coming. Terramore espied a boat approaching — he then volunteered to stay and guard Tyrone and our well-earned treasure while we leave for Kashi. How vallant?!?! I left behind ALL my money and gems — but NOT the prodigious digit — and embarked on the Kashi Causeway. Cava offered up some arrows that came from Nath Everall — they can be imbued with lightning. Overkill our official name-dubbing liaison, introduced us to a gay Kashic ship-guide. It turns out we BELIEVED every single word that Nassil told us. Bitch! Never before have I so wished for Psionics!

The Snake-Oil Salesman Naseel told us to go see Bone Hill and King Hornguard…sharp stones, beautiful, spires, spikes, artistic attraction…you know, all that eye-catching stuff we warlocks just can’t get enough of. It hones my well-earned reputation for art appreciation in both light and dark…hues. Eighty-foot walls, taller than the walls of Haven — Kash is a big place — the docks are huge! We’re officially in Cash!

First stop…ALCOHOL! Gavin the little boy draws attention from a pederast and we were thoroughly intimidated by a man who attempts to pay for his sex-sucks-slavery; at least he was honest. Can you believe it though? The saviors of Palladium — Vanquishers of Old Ones — the Heroes of the World!..intimidated by the child-fucking horny-toad. Cava attempted to intimidate him back and dissuade him from pursuing the lusciously lascivious juicy ruby starfruit…puckered and pickled pink with Gavin’s rosy-rimmed rimjob for a slimy SlimJim-job. This guy locked us in his bar and I heroically stepped forward to volunteer to take Gavin’s place!

In an act of utter self-sacrifice and courageous exposure the gnome dropped trow and offered himself up to the gods of cake and sodomy! They’re in the Pantheon of Darkness wink We were immediately set upon by THE DARKNESS in pursuit of my tumescent tuber! I turned and fired off an errant bolt of Greminor-frightening Lightning from the Fulmination of his namesake. A frightened Trogoldyte filled the room with a Sandstorm and we narrowly avoided hemorrhoids.
NAVELO!!!! He appeared out of nowhere just when we finished our bar brawl! Good timing! Turns out he couldn’t seal the deal but we invited him to tag along in our Search for the Den of Iniquity. We decided NOT to flee Kaash but, instead, to go kill Cava’s nemesis Christopher “Bass” Reeves. The journey across the city to Bone Hill was fraught with peril so I offered the group both Silence and Invisibility. A warlock’s work is never done.

Cava conveniently played the The Streets card which provides that a person will appear in a city when we are seeking something…and she will offer the information we seek and she will require a return payment. We told her we sought a man named Reeves, paid her in return for the location, and she told us that we would one day repay the favor. How delightfully ominous! When we finally found his house we realized that he lived in a temple dedicated to Anubis. We found the front door unlocked and make our entrance. When we saw him we recognized upon his chest a tabard of Anubis. Overkill then played a card called Dominate and persuaded the man to have a duel with Cava OUTSIDE the city limits…one on one single combat. We meet there at dawn tomorrow. I cannot say whether or not I will have time to even mail this letter before Cava meets his fate.

Forever Yours,

Tyvernos and Otto Oriflamme

Written by Tyvernos on the 15th of Corg, in the 69th Year of the Wolfen Empire.