Is This the Real Life?

Tyvernos’ Rhapsody

To the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody-

‘Is it just Palladium Fantasy?
Caught in a CrIsis,
No escape from Victor’s Tyranny

Open my eyes,
Look up to the skies and see,
I’m just a poor gnome, I need no sympathy,
Because I’m easy come, easy go,
Little thighs, little toes
Anywhere the wind blows, doesn’t really matter…
To me

Mama, I just killed a demon,
Put a black hole on his head,
Cast my spell and now he’s dead.

Mama! CrIsis had just begun,
But Otto’s gone and thrown it all away
Mama! Oooh! It’s buried in the sand,
If we don’t dig that bone up before tomorrow…
Carry on, carry on but if its really swallowed…

Too late, his crime is done,
The canine’s gotta go — put my glove on, pinch my nose
Goodbye little boney you’ve gotta go — gotta leave
the dog’s behind and face the poop
Mama! Ooooh! I don’t wanna die!
I sometimes wish I’d never been born a gnome!’

Song Pause- I composed the preceding verse as the impromptu de facto CrIsis Bard in Stweeb’s establishment in Me’zfii Onh whilst we bid our former fellow Scion adieu. Rell has moved on to more verdant leas and greener pastures. Alas, mother, I am getting ahead of myself as I am wont to do. After vanquishing the dread pirate’s treasure hunters we were left to the task of divvying the dead man’s loot. To the rictus go the spoils! It pained me to see the members of our merry band burdened with the onerous task and monumental undertaking of distributing ph@t l3wtz (this last is decidedly unintelligible).

‘I see a little silhouetto of a gnome,
Scattered-douche, Kharted-touche, will you give the gnome a weapon?
Elemental lightning, very very frightening, me!
Meditate-oh, meditate-oh,
Meditate-oh, meditate-oh,
Meditation sleepy no! Fatigue-oh!

I am just a poor gnome, nobody loves me,
Otto is just a poor dog from an elven family,
Spare him his fur from this monstrosity!
Easy bone, easy throw, will you fetch for me — NO!
Evil dog… Will not fetch for you!
Easy throw! Evil dog… Will not fetch for you!
Easy throw! Evil dog… Will not fetch for you!
Easy throw! Will not fetch for you!
Easy throw! Never fetch for you!
Easy throw! Never never fetch for you ah no no no no no no no…!
Oh Bennu-mia Bennu-mia Bennu-mia let him go!
AnuBIScharUN the dark gods put aside for me…
For me! FOR ME!!!!’

(the next part is scrawled in the chicken-scratch equivalent of 2nd grade Dragonese — minus 40% on your literacy roll)

Large depression — cave-collapse. Horses, all of us, barely saved. How are we going to discern the good loot from the bad loot?? Let’s EXTRACT all the booty! South Wind and Trigger are still attached to the litter. The GM goes LINKDEAD!!! Tyvernos ducks inside the tent and begins to meditate while most of the others mill about and sift through the pile of booty. We rest in the tent and then Darksong comes to congratulate us on having defeated the big bad evil monster! He is such a nice guy. Alu Demons accompany him in the festivities.

Tyvernos is scared shitless! The monkey is flinging excrement from his colostomy bag! Chip captures three demons in a net. Cava smacks down one of the SOBs! Tyvernos gets slashed and loses much health and well-being, and retaliates by creating a whirlwind that thrashes and flings the Alu demons 40′ away to slam against trees and rocks and dash upon the ground. CAVA CRITICALLY STRIKES!!! H u z z a h ! ! Karma charges an Alu and skewers him — Paladin-Shishkabob Style! The remaining demons scatter and flee for their lives. Out of the ground behind us we hear groaning and bones creaking and an army of animated skeletons approaching from the south and begin climbing out of the ground. Ack! Chip waved his hands and the evil Night Owl recoiled in terror and appeared to be gravely wounded and fled saying “We will recover the bones of Osiris,” before disappearing. When he left the undead army disintegrated.

‘So you think you can chop me and cook me to fry!
So you think you can FEAR me and leave me to cry!
Oh baby! Fear wears off in one turn baby!
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right out of the Claw

Karma rules with a SCEPTER!

Cava spooks with a DAGGER!

I get burned by a scimitar, drop it, and step back.

Gavin psychically analyzes an OBJECT!

Chip opens some CHESTS!

Before I knew it we were back in Mezfi’Onh and Rell goes his separate way. His ring flies off his finger and onto a LIZARD MAN!!! OH GOSH!!! I cuddled up with Gavin for some healing and sandwiched the poor boy between my pudge and the shag carpet.

‘Nothing really matters, any gnome can see,
Nothing really matters,
Nothing really matters…to me.

Any way the wind blows…’

Written by Tyvernos on the 1st of Corg, in the 68th Year of the Wolfen Empire.

2 Responses to “Is This the Real Life?

  • This took some real talent and knowledge to get it to line up with Rhapsody. Very good…very good indeed.

    • One of my absolute favorites- especially when he actually sang some of it…..

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