Gazebo, Gazebo, where art thou Gazebo

 
 
Dad
 

Did you know Lord Lictalon had a brother, Jared. I say had because he kidnapped Ursus’s child and the Golden One‘s child. Normally I would call this a self solving problem, because really why would you pick on those kids unless you wanted to get hurt by many and varied beings, but im part of the cleaning crew for this one so I will try to make this as, well who am I kidding this has been strange from the start, and that’s strange for Crisis, not just your regular joe.

Lord Jared decided that the world wasn’t complicated enough or he was bored or something and kidnapped the aforementioned kiddies, no joke, and then is depending on us to do erm some specific things that I won’t get into here but let’s just say he might as well have walked into an assassins guild and put a price on his own head. He certainly seems very powerful but he has pissed off the guy who, not all that long ago, ripped the dick off a god, but that wasn’t enough for him so he also took another semi deific beings child as well. He has called the rain and will now feel the pain. I almost feel sorry for him, but then I imagine what the respective wives are going through and how much hell the guards around them are currently in and think to myself “Mwahahahahahahahaha Jared’s guna get it”

Basically we have to run a gauntlet that is infested by goblins and created by a madman, a powerful one but he has certainly eaten 1 too many crayons. The highlights include

– A Gazebo, but not any old Gazebo, an intelligent trained fighting Gazebo with magic powers, well ah suppose it could have been a Gazebette, but I don’t know enough about gazebo’s to pick their gender, but it started playing trick on us with funny visions and strange noises, actually I think it was a Gazebette as it gave birth to lots of little gazebo’s, there were a ton of the cute little buggers running around. I wonder how long they take to get to full size and maturity, hmm I might have to go back and grab one and see if it can be domesticated/befriended. Could be handy for the shows as who would expect a Gazebo to juggle and do backflips. I would call him Grout the Great Gazebo.
This Gazebo transported us to a Land of Goblins, and now I understand why Jared is pissed off with the world having only goblins to talk to. I’m truly surprised the place isn’t cinders and ashes because geez are those guys dumb, but there we were standing in front of a Labyrinth and trying to decide what to do. I saw a small pouch and decided to investigate it and as soon as I touched it, it ate all my money, that’s when we figured out this place is drenched in magic.
Ursus touched the wall and turned into a Beartaur and yes, its as scary as it sounds but I remembered back to those days of learning to ride from that old knight guy you hired and decided to ask if he minded carrying me upon his back so we can fight together, not surprisingly he did mind so I can’t say now that I have ridden a Beartaur, and no, dressing a Beartaur up in a pink and lime green tutu and getting it to dance and prance and sing didn’t even slightly cross my mind – much. We managed to get inside with a bit of politeness and we met a creature called hoggle that seemed to like bright shinies, I think it was some sort of goblin throwback nd it was uuugly, so I bribed it to lead us, as did Grignak and initially it seemed enough for it to be leading us, but the Golden ones enhanced senses seemed to pick up something amiss and sent the poor creature scurrying on its way when it asked for more shinies. That’s when I started having these . . . these bad dreams. There was this magical painting and a … a guy I think, dressed up as a ?female goblin? or a female goblin dressed up as a guy, not sure which, and it was having an extreme bad hair day, dancing I think, to a weird but catchy song. Thinking about it still gives me the willies, and I hope it stops soon, hopefully the forces of darkness do not find out about this or we could be in trouble.
Otherwise it was your standard labyrinth with traps abounding and goblins everywhere (We brought the minotaur, so I think that gives us an advantage). We actually went down a hole that had some very handy creatures that were all hand, and they knew the 49 Secret Handshake moves of the Funambulist guild, which was fun to do, but they certainly knew their stuff. We also met a strange creature that almost seemed that it wanted to be a knight on horseback, if that’s what you call a dog that can speak riding a dog that can’t. I babbled crap at him until the Xerx’ses used his knowledge of magic and put the poor guy er dog to sleep, no not that way, they are both still alive. The most fun however was the encounter immediately previous to the strange dog knight and that was

A giant dwarf, a funny idea huh, but it was hoggle, that nasty backstabbing dwarf we met earlier, you know, the creature that The Golden One ran off earlier had reappeared, and as a giant version of himself/itself no less, in a place that makes a skunks spray a nice fragrant bathtub addition, I believe it was known as the bog of eternal stank or something like that. The smarter ones figured out a safer way through flying, Silent by nabbing this bird thing, but I managed to secure a spot on a flying carpet piloted by The Golden One, and it was fun, ooo so much fun. If we got one we could charge for flights of daring and speed, with a little magic for safety it would be great. The others engaged in ranged combat with Giant Dwarf Hoggle (GDH for short hehe) but I put those gryphon gloves to good use and did a double layout full out onto its nose, the claws sliced skin and nose cartilage with ease, which majorly discomforted GBH to the point he smashed himself in the head trying to hit me but a side aerial with a double tuck and stab saved me as a leapt to his cheek to avoid a fist the size of a small house, I noticed that the others were giving him the old one two so I stabbed him again, and yet again he punched himself in the head as I did a front aerial into a double pike onto the carpet, this time leaping from his face towards the safety of the carpet the golden one was flying. Somehow The Golden One caught me and then the combined might of Crisis slammed into him, with Ursus half ripping his leg off. Hoggle slowly toppled back into the muck like a falling giant redwood.

I wonder what a giant would cost to hire, because if we could replicate even half of what Crisis did we would be the hit of the town.

And now things started really getting crazy
Only kidding
By this stage we had made it into the heart of the Labyrinth, the very core of Jareds home, Where Crazy parks his car, it was the Castle of the Goblin King…and there were many more traps and well…Idiot goblins.
I know I should have mentioned this earlier but just before we came here Torrun got a personal message from the gods, and he and Sir ImaFarmerandYouareHay disappeared off to who knows where, and The Golden One appeared in their stead, and with him he brought a crazy little gnome riding a hawk, as if we didn’t have enough crazy, but he and Grignak seemed to figure out that certain things seemed to interfere with the magic of the labyrinth, and one of those things just happened to be singing. I know you will tell me off but I had bought a couple of sweetsong potions, and if you want to know eerie give one to a troll so it can sing harmony to a gnome, as good as it sounded im not sure the world is ready for it, but it did seem to break down some of the traps. We got into a riddle room with some obscure as riddles that I had no idea about, but the more cerebral types figured it out. We basically had to stick to the right wall.
I’m writing this whilst we have a small break, because through dangers untold (because nobody would believe us anyway), and hardships unnumbered (didn’t see any numbers on the hardships) we fought our way here (because that’s what we do booyah) to the castle beyond the goblin city (har har, sucked in Jared) for our will is as strong as yours (Mostly because we aren’t crazy as a bag full of cats) and our kingdom is great (likely because we don’t have goblins as minions – sucked in Jared).
We are going to kick Jared inna nuts

Image Credits:
Beartaur by WillBear/
Jareth by Lucasfilm.com